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Jessica's Journal  Well, today has been a pretty exciting day. I got my grades for the 3rd trimester...very good. We've been talking a lot about love lately in my writing class.I've never really had anything much to say about what I think of love but now, I seem to be able to ramble on and on about it. Love, to me, now is seeming to have a much more clear meaning. I really believe that I have only experienced it once but it only takes once to understand it. Love is when the world revolves around one certain thing...it's when all things beautiful are found in the eyes of another person. Love is the land of every heart's desire...a place where two people are completely wrapped in each other and nothing could be more perfect. Since Nick and I broke up, I have chosen to be alone because I'm truely afraid of getting hurt again...and because everyone I meet seems to be compared to the one certain person that I experienced this feeling..this love with. It's a lonely place when you have no one to share love with...but when you know that there is someone out there that is thinking of you...dreaming of you...loving you, it's the greatest feeling in the world. Especially when this person is the only one that you've truely loved. Well, now that I've rambled on about my feelings for the day, I think I might take a run or something. Tylor, if you read this...what are your feelings on love? What do you think it is? I just want another person's input. :) Current mood:  grateful.Current music: Dave matthews band-Crash into me. Well, I haven't written in a long time so I figured that I would. "Someone" replied to one of my entries and they asked why I haven't been writting. The truth is, there's nothing really to write about. Everything reminds me of a certain situation and the things I'm feeling shouldn't be seen or I should said read by some people that know this address. Nick and I broke up about 1 1/2 months ago..it was a mutual thing because we just didn't get along anymore. I haven't really been doing much with the whole relationship thing because events during this past summer. I'm concentrating more on school and everything to keep me busy. Wow! We just got our Christmas Tree in...it looks great! This is my last Christmas at home so my mom is letting me be in charge of how we're decorating the tree. I'm figuring our usual way of gold and mauve...so pretty. Well, I guess we're decorating now so I should help. PS There...I entered something...are you happy now "Tylor"? :) Current mood:  curious.Current music: Silent Night...playing from the living room. Ouch! I'm VERY afraid of needles...BUT, I gave blood anyways. It hurt...but I'm over it, I think. They were telling me as they stuck me with the needle that they really don't need blood right now...that they are "over stocked" for the first time in a loooong time. Oh well, I'm just glad to have helped in some way. Other than that though, I'm alright. Nick and I are okay, I guess. We have been having some problems lately because I guess ever since the whole "Dustin" thing, he's been bitter. I understand that in some ways but it's making him and myself miserable. We were watching "Sweet November" the other day and I started crying really bad. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that my feelings for "him" weren't completely gone yet, I'm soo mad and I feel so deceived for what "he" did to me. Nick told me that he wanted me to talk to him about everything that I felt..so I did. Now, ever since then...he's been bitter about everything. Like this weekend, I got my phone bill...it was about $115.00 in calls to Texas. My mom wasn't mad at me because she understood but Nick got all bitter about that. I guess doesn't realize that everything is over...it's done with...I'm working on moving on and so should he. On our "one year anniversary" on the 9th, he made EVERYTHING out to be worse than it really was. I had this whole day planned for us. A picnic on the beach..and then we were going to walk downtown all day long...spend a full day outside. We got there and we must have gotten in about 3 fights before we finally decided to leave. It was awful. I just wish so much that things could be better. Maybe I'm expecting too much from him...like when "him" and I were together, we never fought and everything seemed perfect...maybe I'm looking for that from Nick...and I shouldn't. I dunno...I'll have to just sit and think about all of that....in the mean time, I'm very tired because I've had a LONG day... A little something that I wrote for the many American families who were ripped apart and torn at the seams by the savages that we can humans..... They struck our nation with terror..with hatred in their eyes. As jet planes screamed, towers crashed...and many Americans died. People's hearts were broken..robbed of the unseen, As never dreamed or imagined.. a foundation of hope wiped clean. We are bent and we are hurt but never will we break.. For in our hearts..as Americans, we know..God will lift us to grace. Hand in hand we face this war with freedom in our eyes... Freedom not for ourselves, but for our country and the many American's who died. I am so proud to live in a nation with people who instead of turning on each other in war, stand together. My life has not been all it's cut out to be the past couple of months...I've lost..then loved..then lost again. To me though, it's nothing compared to what the families of those lost on this fatefull day have gone through. So, I'm tucking away my sadness...my fears..and I'm going to do whatever it takes to help..whether it be to give blood or money..or even just inspire people with my writing...whatever it may be, I hope it helps. Current mood:  sympathetic.Current music: Hands-Jewel. Well, it's been a while since I've written. I've had a pretty good last couple of days, I suppose. I'm ridding myself of the past so to speak. I've changed my e-mail address and everything else and I'm making new and better memories with someone who means a lot to me. I've been spending most of my time thinking about things the way they were and should have been all along. I've had a lot of light shed on me the past few days...things I never knew about before...I found out some things about this whole situation that make a lot of other things make a lot more sense to me. It makes it hurt worse...but it makes a lot more sense...so much so that I'll be able to accept it better. I've also been getting closer to my ex...he's the one who has been understanding through this whole thing...the one besides Micah who has been hurt the most. I felt so bad for him....I called him crying and apologizing over and over...the amazing this is..he accepted my apologies...it was awesome. My mom and I threw him a birthday party on Friday...that helped him and I to be able to talk about a lot of things too. I'm really glad that he's not bitter about all of this....if there is one person who TRUELY loves me, it's him. Current mood:  drained.Current music: What's simple is true-Jewel. Well, this has been a long, hard ride for all of us but I guess I'm sort of glad it happened. I learned a lot out of this and I'm sure everyone else has too. I will admit that I am hurting because Dustin is gone...I cared for him very much. But when you really care for someone, the first thing you want is their happiness so if he's happy with where he is, then that is where he should stay. Dustin's sister mentioned that she hopes this brings me closer to God. I think it really has. I've learned not to listen to what everyone has to say about something...sometimes, you can't even listen to yourself. But there is one person in this world who is worth listening to...and that is the man upstairs. Other people say things through emotions that they feel at the time..and so do we...but the Lord will always listen..and he will always guide you. Current mood: peaceful.Current music: Jewel-Absence of Fear. Well, I woke up about 2 hours ago. I stayed at my friend's house with my little sister...we had fun but now, I just want to go home. We slept on the floor last night with comforters down...but that didn't help the floor being hard. So, my back and my joints hurt. All night long, my ribs and my hip bone hurt because I was laying on them..now I'm sore and pretty much miserable. All I need is for Dustin to come online now and EVERYTHING will be juuuuust fine. He's supposed to be coming online around now so...I dunno. Well, I'm garbling again so I supposed I'll end this for now until I really have something to talk about. Current mood: sore.Current music: Does the sound of the shower running count?. I wrote this today as I cried...cried for Dustin whom I miss and need more than anything in this world..whom I would give my life for...and to whom I give my most precious love...This is for you, Dustin... To love you is to need you to make the darkness fade... To see your love..to see your life...in one bright colored shade... When love lifts its tattered veil...I see you standing there... Holding out your arms..in an ever present rain of care... To need you is to cry for you when I just cannot see... I close my eyes and imagine you..staring into me... To be my eyes and heal my heart...to give me wings to fly... To hold me when I cannot stand and love me...to let me cry... To see you hurt would tear me ... in pieces not to mend... The essence of your love for me..will linger until the end... I love you and I need you to hear you say my name... To see the look in your eyes...and know you feel the same... I LOVE YOU........really... Okay..so I just wrote like 5 minutes ago..but have nothing better to do then to garble to you people...you guys like to listen to garble, right?! That's why you read these things?? Well anyways..dying your hair sucks..yep..I REALLY want to go swimming...but I was told that if I did, my hair would turn green...yeah, I like the color but..NOT THAT MUCH! Dammit..this website is being slow...YET again..last night I had to push a single button 2 or 3 times to get it to type the letter just once..that was fun. YAY! I get to watch my 5 year old little sister...again..today. For the rest of my life here in FLorida as well. Everyone says "Oh she's sooo cute"....well..I don't see it..yeah, she's little and she's got a perfect face and blonde spiral curly hair with bright blue eyes but shit...she's little...she's supposed to be that way. She'll be cuter when I DON'T live with her. Well, I'm still garbling pointlessly so maybe I should stop and go find something even more pointless to do..eh? Right..so...have a good day..and I'll just...sit. Current mood: Juust here. Current music: Let's see..what is my sister watching that I hear now???..... Okay..so I just wrote like 5 minutes ago..but have nothing better to do then to garble to you people...you guys like to listen to garble, right?! That's why you read these things?? Well anyways..dying your hair sucks..yep..I REALLY want to go swimming...but I was told that if I did, my hair would turn green...yeah, I like the color but..NOT THAT MUCH! Dammit..this website is being slow...YET again..last night I had to push a single button 2 or 3 times to get it to type the letter just once..that was fun. YAY! I get to watch my 5 year old little sister...again..today. For the rest of my life here in FLorida as well. Everyone says "Oh she's sooo cute"....well..I don't see it..yeah, she's little and she's got a perfect face and blonde spiral curly hair with bright blue eyes but shit...she's little...she's supposed to be that way. She'll be cuter when I DON'T live with her. Well, I'm still garbling pointlessly so maybe I should stop and go find something even more pointless to do..eh? Right..so...have a good day..and I'll just...sit. Current mood: Juust here. Current music: Let's see..what is my sister watching that I hear now???..... |
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